Gift giving culture

One of my relatives passed away this summer.  In Japan where I came from, we give an envelop of money (Koden) to the family of the deceased as a part of tradition.  Then the family gives back the gift (Kodengaeshi) worth about the half of the money gifted by others, ideally shortly after 49 days ceremony (ceremony on the forty-ninth day after a person’s death – In the buddhism, it is believed every 7 days, the deceased soul is judged for 7 times to see if they can enter Nirvana.)

This money giving and returning gifts tradition is not only for people passing,  but also for the get-wells, the weddings, baby showers, children entering new schools and other types of celebrations or incidents as well.   I always felt funny about this custom and did not want to respect it as I saw it as a waste.  I remember in the closets in the ordinary Japanese households filled with those returning gifts unused still in the original boxes.

In the wake of the 3.11 earthquake, Japanese community in San Diego gathered together and held a rummage sale to raise money for the affected area in Tohoku.  There were many brand-new gift items still in the boxes brought to sell.  Those gifts probably had been forgotten in the closet for a long time.  Due to these new but forgotten gifts in the closets and unsparing generosity of San Diegans, this effort raised over $15,000.

When I visited Japan in this past November, I was given an inch-thick catalog.  I was told I could pick any one item I want from the catalog as a returning gift from my cousin who lost her husband.  The items in the catalog are from common gifts such as jewelries, handbags, kitchen items, tools, clothing, to vacation packages and spa gift cards.  It is amazing to see how perfect the variety is or just simply overkill.

I picked a cider chips filled pillow from the catalog and just received it from Japan.  On one hand, I struggle to accept this mundane tradition, but on the other, I am amazed and grateful for people who try the best to keep the tradition living.  At least, I would not keep this pillow in the closet as an unwanted item.

There is no right nor wrong in this tradition.  It is just what it is.  All I can do is to enjoy the pillow and remember my cousin’s late husband whenever I use it.